Kenny's Kmart Konfrontation

This would normally fall within my soon-to-come "Walmart Tales" series, but since it happened in a Kmart (good luck finding one anywhere anymore) this will be my first and last "Kmart Tale".

It's been 4 or 5 years since it happened, but they keep bringing it up at parties and a few times on FB.  Why should YOU all miss out on the fun?


[Warning, the following program may contain offensive language.  Expletives have been edited, as young viewers may be negatively influenced.  Hey, this is still a family channel.]


Ok, so I was on my way to the checkout with about 10 items in my cart.  I noticed a cashier opening a new register so I made my way towards her aisle.  She turned her light on and smiled as I approached.  Just as I made my turn, a young lady ducked at an angle and wedged herself in-between my cart and the endcap, bumping me aside as she threw her items on the counter.

Now I'm not one to judge people by their appearance (well, that's not entirely true) but "judging" by her style of clothing, the chunks of ashy flesh that her tight pants painfully revealed, her assortment of jewelry and the rainbow sherbet colors in what was supposed to be her hair, all I could do was sigh and shake my head.

She shot a look back at me and then asked, or should I say 'dared' (quite embarrassingly), "WHAT??"

I said nothing, despite the disapproving groans of nearby witnesses.    My "you know dayum well what yo' ignorant *ss did" face delivered the message well enough.

For the record, had I noticed her behind me in line, I would have graciously offered her my place.

"Dude," the gentleman behind me began, "that was incredibly rude!"
"Yeah," I remarked, "but what are you gonna do?"

She looked back in anger and yelled (again), "You got a problem?"

[Ok, THIS is the part of the interactive video game where you decide if you're going to reach into your satchel for the Crucifix, or the Wooden Stake.]

I looked her right in the eye and innocently replied, "I'm sorry ma'am, I don't speak Hood-Rat."

[...and THAT is what happens when you inadvertently leave the crucifix at home.  Stake, it IS.]

The "Ohhh's" and laughter from people within earshot aren't worth mentioning, but it goes without saying...

"THE F*** YOU SAY TO ME???"

I looked back at the man behind me and said, "I can tell by the rise in pitch and volume that she's becoming agitated, but for the life of me, I don't speak Hood-Rat.  Do you?"

He burst into laughter while the cashier struggled poorly to contain hers.  I looked down at my phone and began frantically navigating through the apps as she started up-

"I don't know who the f*** you think you talkin' to whi'cho stank *ass-"
Without acknowledging her, I interrupted while still swiping on the screen, "Looking through my electronic translator.  Hmmm...     Spanish, German, French, Japanese...       ...NOPE...     no HOOD-RAT!"

I could tell that she was in a hurry by the way she initially ran up and pulled her purse out, but it was obvious that she wanted so desperately to curse me out for a good half-hour.  By this point, people on both sides of my aisle were cracking up as I leaned on the handle of my cart, cocked my head and gazed at her with my loving "I can do this as long as YOU can" face.

The cashier gave her her total and she angrily slammed the bill down on the counter.  That poor check-out girl.  It wasn't fair that she had to maintain the highest level of professionalism.  Too bad her co-workers never embraced the K-mart Philosophy.

Henrietta, the Hoodrat Heffa (aka "heifer" - yes, she has a name now) continued to curse as she grabbed her change and snatched her bag to leave.

Let her go, Kenny.  
Don't.  Don't.  
DONNNNNNN'T!

😈

"I REALLY need to learn Hood-Rat!"
"F*** YOU!" she yelled.

Before she could get 5 steps away, another man in the aisle to my left yelled over, "Yo bruh, I speak Hood-Rat.  B*TCH, GIT'CHO NASTY ASS OUTTA HERE!!!!"

It was so nice to know that the cashier now felt comfortable enough to collapse on her own counter, joining in on the riotous laughter.

After all, we all deserve a little slice of happiness..

K-Mart Tales

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