Church Tales: Kenny Davis, You Are The DEVIL!

I've been called many things in my life and rightfully so by most accounts: incorrigible, wicked, mischievous, trouble/troublesome, wild, touched, "not right", shameless, "crazy as hell", "the HR Nightmare", and so forth and so on.  My personal favorite is the description a teacher made in reference to me in the Teachers' Lounge (so I was told): "The most predictable thing about Kenny Davis is that he's unpredictable".  Yeah, I'm many things, but one thing I am not, despite my impish ways, is The Devil.  Unfortunately, I've been called that on waaaay too many occasions.

That being said, I'm about to contradict myself by introducing a new theme to my blog series, which I'll call, "Church Tales".  And ain't NONE  o' them honorable enough to give you the confidence that I'm bound for that casual escalator to Heaven on the Day of Atonement.  If anything, if I DO make it (and by the skin of my teeth), I'm going to be rollerskating desperately, uphill.  On mud.  With 5 wheels missing.  Backwards.

Let's begin, shall we?

Tallahassee, 1987.

At this point in my college career, I was in hot pursuit of a gorgeous, caramel-skinned, long haired (my weakness at the time), Journalism major whose innocence made her an absolute "must have" (dang, that DOES sound like the devil already).  I saw her on her way to class in Tucker Hall one day and immediately conjured the nerve to approach her.  I quickly found my opening to share a few laughs after my introduction, then waited for her outside of her class until it was over, much to her shock and (what she displayed to be) delight.  I missed my class as a result, but sacrifices must be made...

After days of playful phone time and hanging out in the cafeteria, I asked her out on a date, to which she agreed.  I had worked hard to keep my horns from protruding from my head (along with any other revealing "growth") while in her presence and during conversations to ensure that my intentions remained a secret.  Her only condition was that she pick the event.  No problem.  No matter what she chose, the POST-date was my endgame.  My plans for her involved smooth-talkin', slow undressin', hidden body part kissin' and of course, my "Baby, I'm so weak.  We can't do this" plea, but only AFTER she had reached her "Kenny, don't stop NOW" point.

Yeah, Kenny Davis, You Are The Devil!

And what did she choose as the location and activity for our date? Well, if you haven't figured it out by the title and introduction...

...her invitation was to WEDNESDAY NIGHT CHURCH SERVICE!

Fast forward to Wednesday night: the two of us, standing and clapping in rhythm to a gospel song.  Service was held in a rented space located in a strip mall.  There were about 30 people in attendance and, if I'm to be honest, I thought I was standing amidst the members of some two-tamborine, one-guitar cult from the Bible Belt (in fairness, they had a lead, a bass AND a drummer, so I'll give them that).  Anyway, that's how it looked to someone who grew up and only attended fully-sized church buildings with carpet floors, stained glass windows, a choir loft, pulpit and pews with plum-colored cushion seats. And the pastor?  The pastor was the very same heavy set, deep breathing, still-had-an-early-80s-jheri-curl, man who owned and served me at the soul food shop next door on many occasions.  Thank God I never acted a fool in there or took a date.  Or had I?

My memory fails me.  Oh well.

But it gets worse (I know, the Christian in me should be saying, "It gets better", but not during THOSE years).  For the record, I'm not that guy today, so don't go gathering a small mob and a bunch of stones.  This was back then...

Towards the end of service, the pastor began "seeing" the congregants' individual needs for prayer and healing.

"I see someone who is struggling with indecision.  Someone who is at a crossroads in life.  Someone who is fighting for family unity... "

Of course, someone came forward, as a random person did with each and every "vision" he received.  They each received the "laying on of hands" with his anointing oil as he pressed his large palm firmly against their foreheads as the other held them in place by the nape of their neck.  He prayed mightily before pushing them into the waiting arms of this gargantuan bust sized woman who caught them as they fell backwards, arms outstretched.

"Blessed by breasts", I thought to myself. I know, I know.  Kenny Davis, you are-
Hush.  Keep reading.

I was trying not to laugh because through it all, I was waiting on the traditional "man in the wheelchair" to receive his healing before struggling to his feet and eventually performing cartwheels back down the aisle.  I'm sorry, y'all.  I love the Lord and always have, but I had a different agenda that day.

He started again...

"I see someone who is drowning..." (the church screamed "AMEN!")
"Fighting for air but spiraling downward in a whirlpool of sin..." (AMEN!)
"Enslaved by lust of heart and desire for the flesh..." (AMEN!)
"It's Kenny.  Right?" he asked as he looked directly at me, supposedly feeling my name.
"Come on up here, son..."

AMEN!!!!!!

Wait.  WHAT?!?
LUST?!? ME????
(He was right, but HUSH)

I froze in shock before looking over at my so-called date with my "niggah, you sold me out" face (I know that's wrong, but hey, better the n-word than the b-word).

She smiled, clapped and shouted "Amen" as the nearby worshipers helped me to the front.

I stood before him, associating his face with those delicious pork chops and gravy that he so skillfully cooked and served during the week.  Pavlov's Dog syndrome made me salivate with the thought.  I guess to him, I looked like a lost soul, possessed by king demon Pazuzu, in need of exorcism.

The oiled palm reached my forehead.  In my imagination I swear I could hear the "Kali Ma" tribute chant from "Indiana Jones And The Temple Of Doom" as I waited for Mola Ram to remove my beating heart from my heathen chest.  I respectfully closed my eyes as he prayed fervently for me.  I had no choice.  I had already been publicly shamed and felt like a pornhound, thanks to her.  I wasn't going to insult the church as well.  As he continued to pray I wondered what he actually knew about me.  Had she told him what she perceived to be my intentions? Had he already deduced my "sin state" from some past activity in his deli?

Like I said before, my memory fails me.  Oh well.
It didn't matter, the moment had arrived.

He completed his prayer and then gave my head a soft shove as I stood with one leg braced behind the other.  Surprisingly, I didn't move.  He pushed again, only harder.  I stood firm and held stronger.  He applied even greater force, but I wasn't budging.  The unstoppable object was about to learn that there was an immovable force, strengthened by the devil on my shoulder, whispering T'Challa, the Black Panther's Wakandan war cry "Yibambe" (Zhosa for "hold strong") in my ear.  And Yibambe I DID!  There was no other explanation for my reluctance to accept the word of Christ and shed my original plan.

Seeing that he wasn't going to win (Lord forgive me for that), he told me to turn and rest in the "bosom of mother" as he weakly rotated me to face the big-boobed woman (NOW we're talkin'!!!), welcoming me with open arms.  She pulled me in tight as the sweat beads rolled down my face from our battle of wills as the church rejoiced, applauding and shouting in unbridled jubilation.  I held her for as long as I could, enjoying the comforts of her "pillowy" rest as I took in her sweet, aromatic combination of perspiration, perfume and baby powder.

Shortly after, I walked back to my metal folding chair as my "date" received me with a huge hug and grin as my arms rested on my sides in defiant expression of betrayal and disgust.  I don't think she caught the gesture, but I made it.

I finished service, resigning myself to the thought that I had a cold shower ahead of me, but it was cool.  I got what I deserved.  I had plotted and schemed, as apparently had she.  In the end, she won the day and as we all know, "you win some and you lose some".

During fellowship I shook hands and hugged various church members before leaving to walk my host back to her dorm room.  I made sure to get a 2nd, a 3rd, and eventually a 4th extended hug from Mother Mounds (as I had privately named her), who kissed me and told me she'd always be there for me if I needed her (and I don't care what you say, I'm quite sure that smile she gave me was not the same as the one she gave others).

Before you accuse me of being Damien Thorn in "The Omen", please remember that I didn't burst into flames in there.  No monkeys went wild at the zoo, nor was I struck by lightning as I walked home in the rain (which strangely only began after I dropped her off).  I DID however get horribly splashed by the water from a passing speeding car, so I'm sure God found a subtle way to voice His disapproval in me.

Was I wrong? Yep.
Am I in need of Jesus? Absolutely.
Did I return to that church the following Wednesday night for more healing and FEELING?

What do you think?

Kenny Davis, you are the DEVIL!

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