For years, I posted a series on Facebook called, "And Now, Another Message From Us Grown Folk...", in attempts to give these ignorant kids of today a clue or two. To us adults, especially us parents, it seems that these kids just don't get it, no matter how much you pray for "common sense" to prevail, where former/ongoing instructions SHOULD have (thinking about it, I should take some of those old posts and put them here).
But this ain't about correcting the kids. This one is FOR the chillun', to YOU ADULTS, who've got these poor souls spinning around in circles in hapless confusion. So please pay close attention and take heed because remember, these are the people who will someday have drivers' licenses and choose the location of your retirement home (cause they AIN'T lettin' you stay with THEM)...
Note: Some of these examples will include personal experiences that resulted in disciplinary action because of my response(s). Keep in mind that my parents were not physically abusive in the least. They were old school. They were real. If you grew up in a similar setting, you'll understand...
1. Calling our children unnecessarily - Nothing irritated me more than hearing my father call my name through the living room window. We lived on the corner, diagonally from the city park and so I had no excuse for not hearing him while in the middle of an intensive basketball game. You also had a default time of 30 seconds to report (10, if already inside the house), so I often found myself trotting across the street and walking in the door, drenched in perspiration while replying, "Yes, Sir?"
"Get me a glass of water."
Even today, as a grown man, I can't even bring myself to put my subsequent thoughts in print... ...and he's been gone for almost 20 years. Next item...
2. Definitive answers (more for the moms and yes, I'm generalizing) - It kills my kids when they ask their mother for permission to do something as simple as go outside and play and she gives them everything EXCEPT an answer. What she WOULD give them is a list of complaints about what they did and didn't do and how she can't get any rest at night because they won't be quiet. Of course, after 5 minutes of ranting, there's a good 2 minutes of silence. Naturally, they ask the original question again, only to get yelled at for bothering her. On behalf of my boys, "Answer the doggone question, woman!"
This also applies to non-answers when a child first addresses you. "Momma" (no answer).
"Momma" (no answer)
"Mommy. Mommy. Mommy. Mommy..." "WHAT?!?!?"
Don't get mad, YOU set that one up.
3. Learn to just say, "no" - Eddie Murphy may have been the first to publicly "say" it, but he was merely echoing the sentiment that millions of children are UNABLE to say for eons. If you have no intentions of buying food from a fast food restaurant, please stop replying with "I can make that at home!" You can't. When you DO, it's a cosmetic (and sometimes gustatory) disaster, looking and tasting absolutely nothing like the item of request. Not contributing towards the grocery bill, they have no right to determine what you make, but please stop complaining and comparing.
4. Keep your secrets in your room - My high school buddies came home with me one evening and we all took seats on the couch and floor in the living room in front of the television without turning on the main room light. My buddy Pete immediately reached underneath himself and yelled, "What the hell? ("WTF" was probably his thought, but our generation was astute enough to remember our surroundings)"
Right on cue, my mother silently power-walked into the living room, grabbed her wig, put it on her head, then vanished as quickly as she had appeared.
Not a word was said by anyone present and the event has been stricken from public record.
5. Check your attire - While we're on the subject of appearance, be conscious about what you don before leaving the house and more importantly, coming to see your children. Want to know how many of these sociopathological killers are born? Show up at your kid's school with your dress tucked in the back of your panty hose. Guys, you ain't exempt. Slippers, black dress socks, denim shorts and dingy tank tops ain't makin' your child popular for the right reasons.
6. Keep up with the times - Urban colloquialisms change, frequently and rapidly. I once mentioned that one of my kid's male friends had gained a large amount of weight. I said, "______________ is getting THICK!" Back in my day, being "thick" applied to chunky/husky kids. Not today. "Thick" ONLY applies to fleshy (in a good way), curvaceous girls. You all can imagine the response I got from my boys, saying that about a young man.
7. Not EVERY child is destined for greatness - Joe Jackson's persistence eventually paid off on a global scale, having created the Jackson dynasty. So did Venus & Serena's father. But this doesn't work for everybody and not ever child is interested. Dragging your child, kicking and screaming, back and forth to piano lessons, modeling auditions and T-Ball practice often results in embarrassment and resentment. Listen to your children. If they want to play the tuba, feed and support their dream. If they lose interest, it's on them and they can never say you didn't believe in the. Just stop forcing it on them. The percentage of children that quit youth sports, never to play again, is staggering. And speaking as a coach, it's highly likely that the only professional stadium activity your child will see is from the seats. Stop asking me to give your child 100% playing time. Other parents paid the same fees and will get substantial playing time. And by the way...
He sucks. No, he really SUCKS!
8. Kids take things LITERALLY. Keep that in mind - My father once told me to change a light bulb in a lamp. I was probably 8 or 9 years old. After changing it, I walked back to his room and asked what to do with it. Believe it or not, I had the wherewithal to always consider hazard potential, even as a young kid. In my unspoken assessment, I knew that a bulb would very likely break in the trash and someone might cut themselves if they had to reach in and retrieve something else (probably why I became a Safety Director).
He told me to stick it in my ear.
In a poor attempt to be funny, I put it in my ear and started to screw it in, only to sustain a serious laceration that bled profusely.
His reply?
"Ignorant niggah! (yes, the n-word), you ain't got the sense God gave a BILLY GOAT!"
A billy goat dude? Really? You're comparing my intelligence, or the lack thereof, to farm animals???
9. Punishing children en masse - As is for children, I teach supervisors that discipline should be (1) immediate, (2) explained and (3) consistent. But definitely try to restrict it to the guilty parties. Punishing suspects as a group can cause serious problems, especially when it results in corporal punishment. For starters, the innocent may secretly throw a "blanket party" for the guilty party after you leave (I hope that wasn't your ultimate goal, because you'll have to explain that to a homicide detective someday). I know, I know - sometimes, that's the only recourse. I've been known to (quoting Thanos in "Avengers: Endgame") "rain fire" on a few occasions. Just make you consider all options before hitting the "smart bomb".
I remember one time my father decided that everybody had to die. I was stupid enough to scream out, in the middle of the Group Behavioral Correction Session (in case Child Services reads this, but it's too late anyway), "Why we all gotta get a whoopin' 'cause YOU can't figure out who did it?"
But this ain't about correcting the kids. This one is FOR the chillun', to YOU ADULTS, who've got these poor souls spinning around in circles in hapless confusion. So please pay close attention and take heed because remember, these are the people who will someday have drivers' licenses and choose the location of your retirement home (cause they AIN'T lettin' you stay with THEM)...
10 Things You Should Stop Doing To Your Kids
Note: Some of these examples will include personal experiences that resulted in disciplinary action because of my response(s). Keep in mind that my parents were not physically abusive in the least. They were old school. They were real. If you grew up in a similar setting, you'll understand...
1. Calling our children unnecessarily - Nothing irritated me more than hearing my father call my name through the living room window. We lived on the corner, diagonally from the city park and so I had no excuse for not hearing him while in the middle of an intensive basketball game. You also had a default time of 30 seconds to report (10, if already inside the house), so I often found myself trotting across the street and walking in the door, drenched in perspiration while replying, "Yes, Sir?"
"Get me a glass of water."
Even today, as a grown man, I can't even bring myself to put my subsequent thoughts in print... ...and he's been gone for almost 20 years. Next item...
2. Definitive answers (more for the moms and yes, I'm generalizing) - It kills my kids when they ask their mother for permission to do something as simple as go outside and play and she gives them everything EXCEPT an answer. What she WOULD give them is a list of complaints about what they did and didn't do and how she can't get any rest at night because they won't be quiet. Of course, after 5 minutes of ranting, there's a good 2 minutes of silence. Naturally, they ask the original question again, only to get yelled at for bothering her. On behalf of my boys, "Answer the doggone question, woman!"
This also applies to non-answers when a child first addresses you. "Momma" (no answer).
"Momma" (no answer)
"Mommy. Mommy. Mommy. Mommy..." "WHAT?!?!?"
Don't get mad, YOU set that one up.
3. Learn to just say, "no" - Eddie Murphy may have been the first to publicly "say" it, but he was merely echoing the sentiment that millions of children are UNABLE to say for eons. If you have no intentions of buying food from a fast food restaurant, please stop replying with "I can make that at home!" You can't. When you DO, it's a cosmetic (and sometimes gustatory) disaster, looking and tasting absolutely nothing like the item of request. Not contributing towards the grocery bill, they have no right to determine what you make, but please stop complaining and comparing.
4. Keep your secrets in your room - My high school buddies came home with me one evening and we all took seats on the couch and floor in the living room in front of the television without turning on the main room light. My buddy Pete immediately reached underneath himself and yelled, "What the hell? ("WTF" was probably his thought, but our generation was astute enough to remember our surroundings)"
Right on cue, my mother silently power-walked into the living room, grabbed her wig, put it on her head, then vanished as quickly as she had appeared.
Not a word was said by anyone present and the event has been stricken from public record.
5. Check your attire - While we're on the subject of appearance, be conscious about what you don before leaving the house and more importantly, coming to see your children. Want to know how many of these sociopathological killers are born? Show up at your kid's school with your dress tucked in the back of your panty hose. Guys, you ain't exempt. Slippers, black dress socks, denim shorts and dingy tank tops ain't makin' your child popular for the right reasons.
6. Keep up with the times - Urban colloquialisms change, frequently and rapidly. I once mentioned that one of my kid's male friends had gained a large amount of weight. I said, "______________ is getting THICK!" Back in my day, being "thick" applied to chunky/husky kids. Not today. "Thick" ONLY applies to fleshy (in a good way), curvaceous girls. You all can imagine the response I got from my boys, saying that about a young man.
7. Not EVERY child is destined for greatness - Joe Jackson's persistence eventually paid off on a global scale, having created the Jackson dynasty. So did Venus & Serena's father. But this doesn't work for everybody and not ever child is interested. Dragging your child, kicking and screaming, back and forth to piano lessons, modeling auditions and T-Ball practice often results in embarrassment and resentment. Listen to your children. If they want to play the tuba, feed and support their dream. If they lose interest, it's on them and they can never say you didn't believe in the. Just stop forcing it on them. The percentage of children that quit youth sports, never to play again, is staggering. And speaking as a coach, it's highly likely that the only professional stadium activity your child will see is from the seats. Stop asking me to give your child 100% playing time. Other parents paid the same fees and will get substantial playing time. And by the way...
He sucks. No, he really SUCKS!
8. Kids take things LITERALLY. Keep that in mind - My father once told me to change a light bulb in a lamp. I was probably 8 or 9 years old. After changing it, I walked back to his room and asked what to do with it. Believe it or not, I had the wherewithal to always consider hazard potential, even as a young kid. In my unspoken assessment, I knew that a bulb would very likely break in the trash and someone might cut themselves if they had to reach in and retrieve something else (probably why I became a Safety Director).
He told me to stick it in my ear.
In a poor attempt to be funny, I put it in my ear and started to screw it in, only to sustain a serious laceration that bled profusely.
His reply?
"Ignorant niggah! (yes, the n-word), you ain't got the sense God gave a BILLY GOAT!"
A billy goat dude? Really? You're comparing my intelligence, or the lack thereof, to farm animals???
9. Punishing children en masse - As is for children, I teach supervisors that discipline should be (1) immediate, (2) explained and (3) consistent. But definitely try to restrict it to the guilty parties. Punishing suspects as a group can cause serious problems, especially when it results in corporal punishment. For starters, the innocent may secretly throw a "blanket party" for the guilty party after you leave (I hope that wasn't your ultimate goal, because you'll have to explain that to a homicide detective someday). I know, I know - sometimes, that's the only recourse. I've been known to (quoting Thanos in "Avengers: Endgame") "rain fire" on a few occasions. Just make you consider all options before hitting the "smart bomb".
I remember one time my father decided that everybody had to die. I was stupid enough to scream out, in the middle of the Group Behavioral Correction Session (in case Child Services reads this, but it's too late anyway), "Why we all gotta get a whoopin' 'cause YOU can't figure out who did it?"
That GUARANTEED me a second and more dedicated session. Of greater length and magnitude...
Last, but not least (even though I may do 10 more another day)...
10. Provide a Plan "B"! - This was more applicable to us children of the 70s, before cell phones. Here's another real-life example. Follow closely:
My father sent me to the store for Hormel Chili WITH Beans (and yes, it had to be Hormel brand). They didn't have it, so I came home without it. His reply? "Boy, why didn't you get the Chili WITHOUT Beans? You ain't got the sense God gave a BILLY GOAT!"
There's that livestock reference again...
On a different day, he sent me for the same thing and I ran into the same problem. Instead of purchasing a different brand, I got the alternative as he had previously instructed - Hormel Chili WITHOUT Beans.
His reply?
"Boy, if they don't have what I told you to get, don't get NUTHIN'! I swear, you ain't got the sense-"
"I KNOW, I KNOW...", I foolishly and frustratingly interrupted, "God gave a BILLY GOAT!"
"Oh, you think this is FUNNY?" he angrily asked as he unbuckled his belt.
I have no recollection of what happened next. It's blocked from memory.
I'll give another list of 10 things to stop doing someday, when those other experiences resurface.
Want more of my rabid ranting? Check out these blog posts:
10 Road Rage Rationalizations (Don't Look So Surprised)
10 Reasons Why The World Could Use An Enema
10 Things I Hate About (People In) Sports (Pt 1)
10 Things I Hate About (People In) Sports (Pt 2)
My 10 Commandments As A Photographer
Like what you read? Leave a comment!
And feel free to subscribe and spread the word.
Let me know if there's any particular subject that you'd like me to cover in future posts!
Last, but not least (even though I may do 10 more another day)...
10. Provide a Plan "B"! - This was more applicable to us children of the 70s, before cell phones. Here's another real-life example. Follow closely:
My father sent me to the store for Hormel Chili WITH Beans (and yes, it had to be Hormel brand). They didn't have it, so I came home without it. His reply? "Boy, why didn't you get the Chili WITHOUT Beans? You ain't got the sense God gave a BILLY GOAT!"
There's that livestock reference again...
On a different day, he sent me for the same thing and I ran into the same problem. Instead of purchasing a different brand, I got the alternative as he had previously instructed - Hormel Chili WITHOUT Beans.
His reply?
"Boy, if they don't have what I told you to get, don't get NUTHIN'! I swear, you ain't got the sense-"
"I KNOW, I KNOW...", I foolishly and frustratingly interrupted, "God gave a BILLY GOAT!"
"Oh, you think this is FUNNY?" he angrily asked as he unbuckled his belt.
I have no recollection of what happened next. It's blocked from memory.
I'll give another list of 10 things to stop doing someday, when those other experiences resurface.
See you next time...
Want more of my rabid ranting? Check out these blog posts:
10 Road Rage Rationalizations (Don't Look So Surprised)
10 Reasons Why The World Could Use An Enema
10 Things I Hate About (People In) Sports (Pt 1)
10 Things I Hate About (People In) Sports (Pt 2)
My 10 Commandments As A Photographer
Like what you read? Leave a comment!
And feel free to subscribe and spread the word.
Let me know if there's any particular subject that you'd like me to cover in future posts!
"Why we all gotta get a whoopin' 'cause YOU can't figure out who did it?"
ReplyDelete�� Brave. Completely foolish and logical assessment but brave.
To this day, knowing my father, I don't know WHAT the hell I was thinking. I needed you there to cup my mouth from behind. lol
Delete